The date I had promised to write a reflection was fast approaching and yet I had not a single insight, though, or inspiration to share. Nothing spoke to my heart. There was only an empty silence.
I tried writing about nice thoughts using lofty spiritual words but the end result was only that, nice thoughts wrapped in lofty spiritual words. They were only words on a page. The essential ingredient was missing. There was no life in those words but rather something concocted in my head, not flowing from my heart. It became increasingly evident that inspiration isn’t manufactured but received.
Maybe the reason I was unable to recognize God’s presence in the endless ways God reveals God’s self was because there was a blockage, a door within me that closed. (Perhaps even several doors.) Rather than searching outside myself, maybe I needed to first search within?
When I began to knock on some of the doors of my heart. I was greeted by anger followed by resentment. After acknowledging the anger, I needed to look deeper. Where had it come from? And of course I found hurt that I hadn’t acknowledged or been willing to release. In holding on to the hurt, I had allowed it to turn into anger. After all, l how could________ do, say, act, this way toward me!? As I savored this “righteous” anger, it grew in to deep resentment, branching out into bitterness, and even a desire for revenge. More doors closed.
No wonder life, light, joy, and love were not being recognized or welcomed in. There were no more open doors. The first door key is prayer for the one(s) who hurt me, followed by, if not a desire at least a willingness to let go of the anger along with its branches. Hopefully I will then be ready and able to forgive.
Now that the doors have opened, I must decide what gets invited in and what get pushed out. The choice is to move toward the light or remain in the darkness. What will be my choice and what will be the consequences?
Ah, the challenges of free will!
– Terri Sersch